Nan Cohen

Expert Nan Cohen Provides Tip on Coping with Divorce and Separation

Broken traditions, unexpected travel, and new locations for holiday celebrations— these are just the tip of the iceberg for families coping with the realities of relationship break-ups during the holidays. Children are particularly vulnerable, stresses divorce reality expert Nan Cohen, host of ―Dealing with Divorce on Pittsburgh’s KQV-AM. For more than decade tackling divorce-related topics, Nan leads on-air discussions with a professional guest psychologist, children’s expert or lawyer on ―Dealing with Divorce”, next airing on KQV-AM 1410, Pittsburgh on Thursday, December 23 at 7:30 pm.

“Christmas and New Year’s Eve have their unique pressures,” says Cohen, who focuses on the personal and wellness concerns around divorce. The results, Cohen says, can be chaotic and emotional if parents don’t anticipate the crush of memories, long-kept traditions, and logistics that include shopping, travel, and even pet care.

Nan Cohen speaks from the experience of her own painful divorce, listening to those wading through the pain and confusion of broken relationships. She is passionate about the effects of divorce on children, who may be overlooked in the midst of parental disagreements and conflicts–long after the papers have been signed.

“Don’t complicate things by focusing on your circumstances, says Cohen, observing how easily emotions can take hold and be passed on to children. Focus on the joys of the season, your kids and their happiness.”

This includes recognizing that children are often at the hub of a family network that may include several sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and more. “Grandparents suffer a lot,” Cohen says, having observed how difficult it may be for grandparents to have even a few hours with grandchildren when their own child has divorced. Custody arrangements affect many relatives.

Cohen suggests six simple rules for those dealing with separation and divorce during holidays:

1. Be good to yourself and others. Foremost, patience with one’s self is importance for anyone dealing with a loss, says Cohen. “Feeling good about yourself is so important and those near us will ultimate affect you,” she says. Cohen’s advice includes building new networks and contacts—both professionally and socially. “Co-workers and even your own parents may be well-meaning but may have their own opinions from knowing about your past relationship experience. This is a time to build new relationships and friendships that aren’t connect to your ex, even anecdotally.” Meeting people, getting network to support you.
   
   Regarding parents, “You can’t do this without them,” Cohen says, recognizing that grandparents are often the most positive care-givers and friends a child may have. “But you need to decide what they can do and can’t do for you as you make this transition.”
   
2. Keep it simple. Pare off the layers of influence that add pressure on the children and planning. Be realistic about time for holiday preparation, activities, and travel. Avoid overload and don’t over commit anyone. Some families are dealing with multiple issues these days, including unemployment. Simplifying is almost always a positive approach.
   
3. Put the kids in the spotlight. Your simmering emotions– which may include anger, resentment or downright confusion–deserve a break.
   
4. Ask for help. Do you need a sitter so you can finish shopping? Are you running out of time to bake? Prioritize, then ask for help from those who care about you. A few hours of child care can provide others with a break and can be considered a gift to you. Ask a friend to add another dozen cookies to her batch and offer something in return. Your time is a precious commodity in keeping priorities in place for your family.
   
5. Create new traditions. Cohen says this is especially important for the parent who may be hosting children in a new location. Decorations, stockings, and gifts are great, but shared activities like picking out and decorating a tree, making cookies, even volunteering are all important choices that make memories and provide quality time between parents and kids.
   
6. Allow time outside the new blended family. While integrating families is a healthy goal, time for each parent with their own children is also important, especially if the split is recent. Plan a special shopping trip for the grandparents or reading a favorite book, says Cohen, are examples that can be personal parts of the holiday. If you have your own traditions, share them in the blended family. It can be meaningful way to strengthen new bonds.

“Breaking up or managing the details around your past or in-process divorce is never easy.” In turn, focusing on others—your parents, family members, and people in need in your community, can have its rewards.

“There is always someone who needs you,” says Cohen. “It doesn’t cost anything except your time.” When you focus on being there for others, you won’t regret making a difference where you can.

What about New Year’s Eve? ask many callers to Cohen’s show.

“It’s not the end of the world to be dateless on as the old year goes out,” she says. “Think of it as a new beginning and treat yourself. Surround yourself with friends and laugh—about anything, anything at all. Even if you can’t bring yourself to leave the house, treat yourself—whether it’s a bubble bath, a new game on the Wii, an extra workout, or a favorite movie.”

Avoid triggers, Cohen says. “Don’t set yourself up for a big cry by playing that song you and your ex cherished. Be realistic, but make it a point to create a positive checklist for New Year’s Eve. Then extend those positive concepts for the month of January and beyond.”

As kids head back to school after the holiday break, some parents are dealing with lawyers, signing papers, and coping with post-holiday emotions around divorce.

“I talk to many people whose divorces will become final in January,” she says. “What is essentially for the convenience of reporting taxes creates a landmark as a new year begins.”

Seize that as an opportunity, Cohen urges, to make the new year YOUR year. Cohen notes that those who are experiencing especially turbulent emotions and difficulties around the holidays should consult a counselor or their spiritual leader.

“It is realistic to feel sadness amid the joy of season,” Cohen says. “Taking care of one’s well-being is one of the best gifts you can give your children and family.”

Day by day, month by month, says Cohen, it will get better.

Nan Cohen Says Parents have Unique Back-to-School Challenges when Separated or Divorced

A new school year is full of surprises, but expecting the unexpected will assist parents dealing with separation and divorce, says divorce reality expert Nan Cohen, host of “Dealing with Divorce” on Pittsburgh’s KQV-AM.

The unique challenges of students entering a new school or classroom this time of year can be stressful, says Cohen. But “back-to-school” coupled with parents who now operate from two households or juggling their own emotions require families to apply some specific steps for success.

“Children are especially vulnerable when a separation or divorce is new,” observes Cohen, who for more than a decade has been tackling divorce-related topics as host for “Dealing with Divorce” and now online at www.divorcerealityexpert.com. Focusing on the personal and wellness concerns around divorce, Cohen is passionate about the effects of divorce on children, who may be overlooked in the midst of parental disagreements and conflicts–long after the papers have been signed.

“Returning or even starting school for the first time is a big step for children,” says Cohen. “When parents are juggling emotions, custody, and multiple schedules, everyday routines can be disrupted. It’s important that parents who may not be living together work together on behalf their children. The academic success of the students can be affected by what’s happening—or not happening—at home.”

Parents need to focus on functioning as a family, especially when the parents are apart, Cohen stresses. “Keep emotions and conflicts out daily life and set goals with your child for successful outcomes associated with their children’s education and extra-curricular activities,”

“Put the children and their time in the spotlight first,” Cohen advises.” This is not the time to argue about who attends a particular concert or sports event. Find ways that both parents and other family members can be supportive during those moments when your kids shine.”

Custody arrangements may affect many relatives, especially grandparents, Cohen observes. School activities, she says, are a great opportunity to bring other family members along in supporting children in their achievements.

Cohen suggests five simple ways for those dealing with separation and divorce to set goals for the school year:

1. Support your child in feeling good about what they do. Discuss what’s ahead this year and determine what roles each parent can play individually and together. “When you tackle that calendar of carpooling, parent-teacher meetings, arts programs, and sports,” Cohen suggests, “keep the happiness of your child foremost. These are not chores for parents; these are milestones to share with your children.”
   
2. Divide and Conquer:  Determine what matters most to your children and how both Mom and Dad.(along with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles) can take part in events and celebrations throughout the year. Cohen maintains that couples in divorce need to recognize the support grandparents can provide. “But you need to decide what they can do and can’t do for you and your children.”
   
3. Keep it simple. A favorite reminder from Nan, who insists realistic planning and goals keep school and all the other layers of life more manageable. “You can be very positive by being realistic in setting schedules, timelines, and vacation plans. Sometimes this planning must be less to do about custody agreements and more about what your child needs.”
   
4. Set Homework Rules. Homework can look very different at Mom’s house or Dad’s home. Cohen suggests that parents discuss guidelines for important issues like homework, curfews, and driving. “Kids of all ages benefit from structure,” she says. “Having similar rules at each home—if parents live apart—is very helpful to the children. It’s best not to allow children to play one parent off the other with ‘Mom said I could!’ moments.”
   
5. Get help when you need it. Your time is precious so make the most of it with your child. Ask for help with child care, shopping, yard and house work—whatever it takes to have more time with your school-aged child. “Don’t be afraid to barter or to give up something so that you can pay for a few hours of assistance,” says Cohen.

“It’s not easy, but focusing on your child will always keep things in perspective,” Cohen notes. “Sure, divorce is all about the parents, but while parents may not be together, they always remain parents.” 

As kids head back to school, some parents are dealing with lawyers, signing papers, and coping with emotions around divorce.

“Do take care of yourself so that you can be there for the kids,” Cohen advises. Always, Cohen notes that those who are experiencing especially turbulent emotions and difficulties should consult a counselor or their spiritual leader.

“Some days are rough,” she adds, speaking from experience,” But every day with your child is a blessing.”

Nan Cohen is recognized as the go-to person on separation and divorce. On the air with “Dealing with Divorce” since 2004, Nan brings her practical, reality-based perspective to audiences and individuals seeking direction on navigating through divorce. Now coaching one-on-one, Nan’s expertise is based on her own experience and long-running radio show. After her marriage took a surprising turn and she found herself confronted with all the emotions and logistics of divorce, Nan began to share what she had learned and discovered a niche in which she could help others work through a transition to a new beginning.

Nan Cohen is online at www.divorcerealityexpert.com and on Facebook at Nan Cohen Total Talk.